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| Oh the troubles I've seen...
Sparing all the gory details, I've been inundated with stress lately to the point where my body feels like it's going to literally fall apart. I haven't even hit the big 3-0 yet and I'm still already falling apart.
All I can say is that the good Lord above is the One carrying me through and the only One. Despite all that I've been through, I know He's there holding me tight in His loving and just arms.
I have been learning to be content despite my circumstances. Learning to have ever more faith and trust. Learning again that no matter what happens to me, He knows, sees and will take vengeance for me. All I need to do is sit tight, listen to His voice and follow. This time around, I listened to His voice and it lead to what looks like a failure. Although it's not me failing, it's someone else. However, I must admit I did ask to "fail" at something. I guess I meant for a door to close b/c I feel like too many are open. Even though I asked for it, slamming doors are still painful. I still remember when I tried to sell Girl Scout cookies to the neighbor across the street. She slammed the door in my face. Made me not want to sell anything to anyone anymore. Scarred for life. At least this time around I won't be scarred for life, b/c now I'm a big girl. Well, I'm older anyways...
If I have any energy left after work and if Tim can watch the baby, I'll be visiting a seminary this week. If you're a pray-er, you can pray for me.
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| I should probably be doing a million other things right now, but writing really helps me process things.
I've been talking with people in my "field" and have been gathering gems and pearls of wisdom. When all is said and done, I need to just follow my heart. Stop worrying and overthinking everything, trying to plan my every step and just let life happen. In following my heart and all the passions in it, God will open doors and use me to make the changes I so desperately want to see in our world. The joy and passion I have for God and children and people in general will hopefully overflow and inspire others to run the same race I'm running. Company makes even hard things like races enjoyable and even doable.
I need to stop being so hard on myself and just relax. God will make everything fall into place just right. This morning when I woke up, that was the message He had for me. Even He rested. And although Jesus should be everything to all people, even He was not, by their own choice.
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| My latest constructive criticism from the boss:
1) Don't work so hard.
2) Don't be such a perfectionist. People who aren't perfect like you get scared when they're around you. Apparently I don't have to even say anything and people are afraid of me. (I didn't say anything to the teachers, they're just afraid of me).
Tim wants to know what I make of that. Don't honestly know what to say or do really. Sure, I have high standards, but I'm the first to admit that I'm not perfect. I told one of my closest friends what my boss said. She laughed and said she didn't see me as a perfectionist. When I asked her why on earth people would be scared of me, she said maybe because I'm quiet. It's always the quiet ones. I was once quote in the newspaper as saying actions speak louder than words...
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| Lately I've been finding myself moved to tears out of sheer joy for what God has done in my life and who He is. Not because anything super big or special has happened, but just because.
Just a few minutes ago, I opened up the cabinet to get a little plastic bowl out for our son to eat dinner and all of our wedding dishes came raining down on my head. They fell to the floor and shattered and I am left with a hollow feeling in my heart. I keep repeating to myself that I should not store up my treasures here on earth, but the dull ache persists. Last year my engagement ring, wedding bands and a special ring my mom and I both had all fell into the garbage can and were taken to the dump before the travesty was discovered. Somehow losing our wedding dishes feels worse. They were gifts from many of our family members and friends. My favorite wedding gifts. Probably my most "prized" possessions in the house. They weren't even that expensive. Just looking at the rainbow of colors and the different shapes would make me happy. Now all the pieces are sitting in a box on the floor.
Even though I know better than to ask why when bad things happen, my little heart still just wonders why. Were the dishes idols? They didn't make me that happy...There are only two things I like about this house we're living in. The glass cupboard through which I could see the rainbow dishes and the playroom. Dishes are gone. We're not really in the playroom much these days. So, why are we living here? And it's not as though I have any ties to this home either. If I even felt an inkling that God was calling me to the missions field I'd be gone in a heartbeat. Bye-bye house, bye-bye dishes.
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| Commuting two hours everyday is not so bad when I've got Don Moen and a sparkly eyed baby looking at me in the rearview mirror. Communicating exactly what you mean to somebody is so hard. I've seen so many relationships break down because of simple little communication mishaps. Little teeny tiny events blown so out of proportion they explode. I've decided to treat everyone as though they are 3 years old. Why? Because everyone including myself is really 3 years old at heart. No need to be offended if you realize how highly I value 3 year olds. Went to the BASS conference and was very blessed by Anne Graham Lotz (sp?) and have been reading her book I Saw the Lord. I don't usually like to say "I told you so," but lately I've been feeling that way a lot. Why? Because 2 hours of worship everyday brings me right to where I want to be...right next to my Heavenly Father, as in tune with His quiet voice as I've ever been. Project "tap into the Holy Spirit is going quite well." Ironic as in so many of my other life experiences that despite the fact that my schedule has been packed, I can still be with Him. Defies all human reasoning and rationale for why I shouldn't have taken my current job, but just goes to prove that His ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts are higher than ours...I've been able to see people's hearts, known what my "teachers" are going to teach me before I hear what they're going to say been putting their "sermons" into practice before I've even heard them, been able to lift lots of my brothers and sisters in Christ up to Him in prayer. Now, if only I could figure out how to stay in this spot... | | |
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